i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
