I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
