Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Randomize
