Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
