I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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