so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
