i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize