guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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