he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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