I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Randomize
