and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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