please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize
