I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
the night ended with taco bell and tears
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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