Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
