I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
