what day is it and did you see me today?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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