Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
