hotel room ftw
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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