I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize