I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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