somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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