I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
