The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
