Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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