He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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