I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
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