4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
i think my tv is drunk
I can text with my tongue
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize