My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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