My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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