Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
