Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Randomize
