I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
