I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
