A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
