nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
