Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
