i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
