I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Randomize
