i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
