I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
