Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
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