oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize