Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Randomize
