and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Randomize
