if i can run in heels then i can drive
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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