All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
