He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
