Your face is a jimmy john
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
