Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize