I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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