Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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