I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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