there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Randomize
