Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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