I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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