Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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