whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
