So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
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