Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
